We are to post our prayer needs….I did this in my first Crazy Love Post: My Heart’s Cry
In addition to the prayer request listed on that post:
- Prayer for God to provide us with a consistent source of income that will meet our needs.
- Prayer for God to provide us with a more affordable place to live without any provable income once our lease is up in July.
- Prayer to be Debt Free
- Prayer that God will provide the means for me to adopt again
I would like to add this very serious prayer request: For God to place the love in my heart that a mother should have towards her kids.…I love them, but in my opinion it is not like a mother should love her children. HONESTLY, I tolerate them more than anything. Our personalities don’t mesh well AT ALL! D’s behavior is atrocious….B is a BIG CRY BABY..and I can’t STAND IT! A LOT of days I can’t even stand to look at them. Sad, but true. I keep waiting for this motherly love for them to kick in (AFTER 3 YEARS) and thus far, in my opinion, it has not yet.
It makes me sad, it makes me angry.It makes me SERIOUSLY depressed..TODAY is one of those SERIOUSLY depressed days. MANY days I regret adopting them AT ALL and wish I had adopted Chocolate Thunder instead. I was and still am extremely bonded to him. I LOVE HIM so much, so I know that I am capable of motherly love. but I have yet to realize it as intensely as I did with Chocolate Thunder. I often think it is because I got him as a baby and my other boys were older. It makes me sad. To know the HONEST truth: If I could go back in time to the day they called me about them, I would tell myself to say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My heart dies daily thinking about all of this…I mourn for the child I LOVED SO MUCH..that I let go….I MOURN for the children I kept, because I feel they deserve so much more than I can EVER offer them.
This situation is so serious that I have researched and almost made the call to re-home them on more than one occasion. (Please don’t contact me about adopting my kids…that’s not what I need right now…Just to be frank you will get a VERY NASTY REPLY..So if you want your feelings spared…DON’T TRY ME!!! – I say that in the nicest way 🙂
There are several reasons I think that I have not actually gone through with the call:
- I’m hoping that all the things I go through to make myself bond to them will actually work one day.
- They are extremely bonded to me and my family, so for their sake I keep pressing forth. I know one day REALLY SOON they will realize that something just ain’t right though..I’m SURE they already do.
- JUST TO FOREWARN YOU: THIS IS A COMPLETELY SELFISH REASON: I feel like I won’t be able to adopt again if I re-home them just because I have yet to bond to them in a they way I feel I should. But honestly I feel like they deserve so much more.
For now, I will leave you with a quote that I have to remind myself and a fellow adoptive mother I know that struggles with the same thing of daily: LOVE IS A CHOICE, NOT A FEELING! A VERY HARD STATEMENT to grasp from a predominately feelings driven person….(Research Myers-Briggs INFP Personality Type and you will understand what I mean)
Just praying one day I will also FEEL IT TOO!!!! So for now I seriously covet your prayers…..My depression is getting pretty bad concerning this situation.