This may be the most transparent post I have ever made..Without going through the whole blog and reading, I am just going to say that it is….

This post is in response to Linny’s Crazy Love Challenge Part # 2 on Her Blog: A Place Called Simplicity

We are to post our prayer needs….I did this in my first Crazy Love Post: My Heart’s Cry
In addition to the prayer request listed on that post:

  • Prayer for God to provide us with a consistent source of income that will meet our needs.
  • Prayer for God to provide us with a more affordable place to live without any provable income once our lease is up in July.
  • Prayer to be Debt Free
  • Prayer that God will provide the means for me to adopt again

I would like to add this very serious prayer request: For God to place the love in my heart that a mother should have towards her kids.…I love them, but in my opinion it is not like a mother should love her children. HONESTLY, I tolerate them more than anything. Our personalities don’t mesh well AT ALL! D’s behavior is atrocious….B is a BIG CRY BABY..and I can’t STAND IT! A LOT of days I can’t even stand to look at them. Sad, but true. I keep waiting for this motherly love for them to kick in (AFTER 3 YEARS) and thus far, in my opinion, it has not yet.

It makes me sad, it makes me angry.It makes me SERIOUSLY depressed..TODAY is one of those SERIOUSLY depressed days. MANY days I regret adopting them AT ALL and wish I had adopted Chocolate Thunder instead. I was and still am extremely bonded to him. I LOVE HIM so much, so I know that I am capable of motherly love. but I have yet to realize it as intensely as I did with Chocolate Thunder. I often think it is because I got him as a baby and my other boys were older. It makes me sad. To know the HONEST truth: If I could go back in time to the day they called me about them, I would tell myself to say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My heart dies daily thinking about all of this…I mourn for the child I LOVED SO MUCH..that I let go….I MOURN for the children I kept, because I feel they deserve so much more than I can EVER offer them.

This situation is so serious that I have researched and almost made the call to re-home them on more than one occasion. (Please don’t contact me about adopting my kids…that’s not what I need right now…Just to be frank you will get a VERY NASTY REPLY..So if you want your feelings spared…DON’T TRY ME!!! – I say that in the nicest way 🙂

There are several reasons I think that I have not actually gone through with the call:

  1. I’m hoping that all the things I go through to make myself bond to them will actually work one day.
  2. They are extremely bonded to me and my family, so for their sake I keep pressing forth. I know one day REALLY SOON they will realize that something just ain’t right though..I’m SURE they already do.
  3. JUST TO FOREWARN YOU: THIS IS A COMPLETELY SELFISH REASON: I feel like I won’t be able to adopt again if I re-home them just because I have yet to bond to them in a they way I feel I should. But honestly I feel like they deserve so much more.

For now, I will leave you with a quote that I have to remind myself and a fellow adoptive mother I know that struggles with the same thing of daily: LOVE IS A CHOICE, NOT A FEELING! A VERY HARD STATEMENT to grasp from a predominately feelings driven person….(Research Myers-Briggs INFP Personality Type and you will understand what I mean)

Just praying one day I will also FEEL IT TOO!!!! So for now I seriously covet your prayers…..My depression is getting pretty bad concerning this situation.

15 Comments

  1. Mom Of Many on April 19, 2010 at 3:31 am

    Oh bloggy friend,

    I am praying for you right now. I know God has some answers…how about going to talk to a pastor at your church about all these concerns…

    Depression and kids don't mix well…and add to that being a single parent…please go talk to someone at your church. Please!!

    In the meantime I am praying that you will have the courage to go talk to someone and they will hear your heart and help you through this difficult time. GOd has a good plan – we just have to find out what it is!! Praying for you!

  2. Jenn on April 19, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I found your link at Linny's blog. Please know that I am praying for you!!! Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and CLING to Him!!

    Lifting you up!!!!

  3. Anonymous on April 19, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Praying for you. Loving your honesty and praying for the heart that you want God to provide.

  4. Jennifer B. on April 19, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    I'll be praying for you. I do know that many days I too feel my children deserve more than I give them. I feel some days I'm not as patient as I should be but I do know they are mine (both adopted from China). Bonding doesn't occur overnight and it is hard work but it sounds like you are willing to do the work. Keep being mom and on your knees.

  5. megan on April 19, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Praying for you~

  6. vitality08 on April 19, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    It takes a very strong person to admit to these things. I pray that you can find the help you need to bond with them. Have you tried attachment therapy? Maybe that will help. I've been reading your blog since before you got the first little baby and I know how much you wanted to adopt so I feel so bad for you and your situation. I want to adopt also, but am so afraid I won't love them like a mother should. Prayers for you, your boys, and your situation.

  7. Faith on April 19, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Well…I feel you sis. However you have to remember God allowed this adoption of these boys to go through for a reason. I see you are a believer, so we know nothing, I MEAN NOTHING, is by accident. Your steps are ordered. Remember this..although you wanted to say no, YES PREVAILED. Children are work. Motherhood goes through seasons. There are times when you want to squeeze and kiss them forever, and other times you wonder "WHAT IN THE WORLD DID i GET MYSELF INTO!" But in the end YOU WILL SEE THE FRUIT OF YOUR LABOR…There may be other factors contributing to your "depression." Perhaps the inability to provide for them, the lack of a helper (boys need males in their lives-I HAVE 3). So if you are single, try to find an appropriate "Father figure" not necessarily a boyfriend or husband, but someone in the church, someone in your family, a close friend, etc. You are an AWESOME MOTHER and woman. Emotions (as you best described) are temporary. So try not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary condition. Be patient, God is not through with you yet. Because of sacrifice for these boys, you will see the rewards. But it will take time. Now sandpaper in our lives only makes us smoother! I am keeping you in my prayers…

  8. Kelly on April 19, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Read your post on Linny's blog and wanted you to know I'm sending some Crazy Love prayers your way.

    You and your sons are in my prayers. Prayers for bonding, prayers for financial issues, prayers for peace for yourself as you make some big decisions.

    I want to check in with you again and see how you're doing.

    Have faith!

    Kelly

  9. Amy Murphy on April 19, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I am praying that the Lord gives you an unquenchable love for your boys! It is so hard to love (and really feel it) those whom we clash personalities with. Your friend is right, "love is a choice, not a feeling." Sure they are missing that mushy, gushy, unconditional love, but you are loving them by meeting their needs daily. You are amazing for taking on children by yourself. Don't beat yourself up for not "feeling" it. I pray that the Lord will give you strength!

  10. Lori in KY on April 19, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Your honesty is so refreshing. My heart hurts for you, because I remember how long it took me to truly bond to one of my children. You are so right, LOVE IS A CHOICE! In the meantime, I'm praying God will give you CRAZY LOVE for the kids He has BLESSED you with!

  11. The Millers on April 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Praying for you and your boys. God loves you and He loves those precious boys…so until you feel it (and you will) just let Him love them through you. Crawl up into the arms of your Savior and have a good cry — the kind where the tears drip off your chin. Let Jesus love on you for awhile — until you are overflowing with His love that it flows to the boys. Financial concerns can suck the love right out of the all of us — praying for those concerns, too.

  12. Addie on April 20, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I love how honest and transparent you are… such courage. If you havent already, please talk to someone – dont let it get worse. It will eat you up inside if you give in to it.

    I would also encourage you to let go of the “what if’s” and “what could be’s” and open up your heart to the blessings you have in your life… it sounds like you are holding out for something better. And maybe that better is out there, but you have to be a whole person first before you can embrace it or you wont recognize it.

    I often struggle with if I am a good enough mother, husband, friend, daughter… etc… and alot of times, I dont feel like it. I know how it can completely wear and tear you down.

    Please go talk to someone… praying

  13. from all of us with love on April 24, 2010 at 1:45 am

    Continued prayer for you daily since you posted on aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com. I will check back to see how the Lord is moving in your life.

  14. Susan A on April 25, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    hi, just came across your prayer request, I've prayed and asked Him that you may know His sweet presence and His love when you pray so that you may be able to give His love to the boys and that the result is that you'll truly love them too.

    I was reading about an adoptive mom who, on gotcha day, had a child that wouldn't stop screaming and crying, so she and her husband kept praying, then His presence came, and the little girl stopped crying…

    Praying for your peace in the situation you are in and trust in Him as you keep giving things over into His hands, may He pour you with sunshine and love and in your home too.

  15. LAToya on May 6, 2010 at 2:54 am

    I admire the fact that you were able to be so open and honest about the way you feel. I am praying for you. You are an amazing mom. The fact that you feel the way you do says you love your boys. I once felt the way you did, but I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt. God will supply. Just keep doing what you do. Be Blessed.

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