Just Existing?

When did I get to this point?…Just existing….not really doing anything meaningful or enjoying life. No purpose..plenty of hopes and dreams….my mind is filled with fantasies and dayreams…my brain is overflowing with wishes and hopes….but no real plan of making these visions reality.

I want to go to school, but only cause it is the only way that I am going to be able to work in the social worker field. My passion is still to work in humanitarian aid/adoption with orphans I want to be a mother , but with no man and no forseeable relationship on the horizon- getting married and having a kid is pretty much out of the picture until further notice

I’ve been single for over 10 years now…Not just anyone can break that streak..he has to be someone really special and sad to say..No one fits that bill that is trying to get at me right now.. (sorry fellas , not trying to offend or hurt ya feelings, but what I feel is what it is).

I was and still am looking into adoption. I really want to start next year, but if I start school….will this even be possible? Everyone has a baby.. I know that this isn’t a competition, but it isn’t fair!!!!! Am I gonna be a mother before I turn 30 (by the way which is only a lil over 3 years away) I am trying to hold in my tears!!!

Does your life ever turn out like you plan? Is anything I dream for really gonna ever be a reality? My job is going is nowhere (Sorry Powers that be) I think it all has to do with me I hate routine..and doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. If I freakin’ say “Thank you for calling “—- –“, my name is Farrah, may I please have your business telephone #, starting with the area code first?” I am going to freaking’ scream….

I make pennies…literally pennies. I have been working there for 7 months and I made more being a teacher for 4 months than I have made the ENTIRE seven months I have been there..SAD HUH?
I am at the point where I REALLY HATE talking on the phone and looking at websites. I don’t even want to talk on the phone after I get home- I often DO NOT answer my cell phone after I get home, just cause I don’t want to be bothered!!! All my friends hate it and so do I? They can’t stand me and I can’t stand myself.

I aways used to say when I was younger that I would NEVER grow up to be like my parents or just about everyone else I know- JUST EXISTING..working a meaningless job ONLY for the money.. drifting aimlessly through the day like a zombie..wishing either life or death would come and end this catatonic state that I am in….. Just existing!

Final Thoughts: Jesus please save me from myself!!!!!!

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