For those who have come here for Linny’s blog, I started writing this post before she posted her Crazy Love Post….so it is kind of long..I decided to put my needs at the top and should you want to read the full story it is listed below:
To start off I feel kind of silly asking for anything (I’m REALLY prideful – I know, I know it’s bad, so please pray for me!) but the fact that I have spent the majority of my day reading Linny’s blog, I do not believe is an accident. I was tempted not to post as I believed that there are so many in the world who have way more pressing needs than we do, but I just feeling a strong tugging as a matter of fact I am shaking and nervous as I write this..Lord help me!
To answer Linny’s questions.
I haven’t been a consistent tither in several months. I used to be a faithful tither for most of the 15+ years that I have been saved. I am ashamed to admit that I let life and finances hinder me.
I still give to many ministries and individuals I know that seems kind of backwards, but it is my current state of truth.
I just recently joined a new church called Heritage Christian Center. I left my old church after being a member for 13 years
Our needs are simple: I JUST ASK FOR PRAYER
• Prayer for God to provide us with a consistent source of income that will meet our needs. I was laid off from my job in Dec. 2008 and I have not been employed by anyone else since then. I do receive an adoption subsidy for my children and we do have a temporary source of income that is set to end soon. And I do from time to time receive a small income from to time from a small web design/media business I have since started. But sometimes I struggle to make ends meet for my family.
Getting laid off was actually a blessing in disguise as it afforded me the opportunity to be a full time stay at home to my kids something they did not have when they first came home after they were placed with me. It helped a lot with bonding/attachment. One of the areas we were/are having trouble with. I sincerely desire that my Work at home business flourish so I can continue to have a flexible schedule to be there for my kids when they need me, which is vitally important especially since that I am single mom, and there is no other parent to help out.
• Prayer for God to provide us with a more affordable place to live without any provable income once our lease is up in July. We are making plans to move to another state with a friend (who is also a single adoptive mother) and get a house to with her and her family to save money, but it still is going to be difficult financially and logistically.
• Prayer to be Debt Free– I have massive amounts of debt from student loans. It was the only way I could see at the time to go to college. Actually if you want to send some money on this one I wouldn’t mind..lol
• Prayer that God will provide the means for me to adopt again. I pray that he provide the finances and orchestrate the situation (financially, mentally, emotionally, logistically, etc..) I have had a very strong urging to adopt since I was 8 y/o…. It truly believe I was called to called and commanded to be an adoptive mom to many. I was blessed with 2 boys through adoption, but I honestly and sincerely believe God is calling me to do so much more in the area of International Adoption and Missions.
That’s it…I simply ask for you to give of your time in prayer for me in my family!
The full story that I started before I read Linny’s blog is listed below if you would like to read….
If you will join in prayer with us, please email me at email@example.com
The Full Story (For Those Who Are Interested)
I’ve spent all my day reading blog posts about International Adoption & missions, something I used to do frequently, but have in recent years stop doing as much. I read and my heart got excited! I think about my dream to adopt from Haiti….I think about the (literal) vision I had several years ago about my rainbow family. The vision of them all in white shirts and navy blue bottoms with book bags on with their arms huddle around each other praying and playing before they went to school one morning….There were children of many races in that vision. I specifically remember seeing an Asian girl. As a matter of fact, the majority of the kids in the vision I had were girls….Seeing that God has only blessed me to adopt 2 boys, I question the validity of this vision.
I often wonder did I make that vision up in my head, and if so Lord, why is the tugging on my heart so strong? I look at my current life with my sons and all the many difficulties we have financially- me being a single mom who lost my pretty well paying job in 2008 and has not been employed by anyone else since. We do get a small income from my kids’ adoption subsidy and another source (which is set to stop pretty soon) and every now and again I make some freelance income from the business I started, but we DEFINITELY are not receiving the amount of money I used to make from my salary of my old job, but we still very much have all the same bills. Honestly, it’s really a testimony of God’s sustaining power!
It’s already difficult with just the two I have adopted so far and I am not one of those “ball out of control kind of people”..I don’t need a fancy car or a big house.
The only reason I have the car I have now is because my old car died on me. If it hadn’t died I would still have it….It was COMPLETELY PAID FOR and I LOVED IT…the big hunk of junk she was…I called her BIG BLESSING! I miss her. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Ford Explorer, but I don’t love the payment that is attached to her.
I can’t remember the last time I personally bought some clothes for my kids..I have been blessed with TONS of clothes for them. So many in fact….I have about 3-4 huge garbage bags full of clothes I need to give away that they have outgrown..This is after already given away at least 3-5 last year.
When I do buy clothes I frequent the thrift store. My kids have about 4 pair of shoes each that I bought from the thrift store almost 1-2 years ago that they are just now growing into.. I thank God for the wisdom to purchase them so many years ago because they are growing out of shoes every few months…and I REALLY don’t have money to buy them any. Thank God they have those from the thrift store to wear. now they are ALL name brand too…Jordans, Tommy Hilfiger, Nike, Timbaland…I probably spent less than $40 for 8 pairs of shoes….That would have probably cost me over $300 had I paid for them retail.
As I think of the logistics of it all (adopting again) –I can’t see how it will ever come to pass, not necessarily from a financial standpoint….but from a “Can I really handle that type of lifestyle?” standpoint.. I still question that even if God provides financially will I be able to handle all this as – A SINGLE WOMAN.
I still dream of my rich husband, who loves kids and really digs missions to come in and save us….and YES IT COULD HAPPEN, but on a more realistic note, I often wonder if God wants me to go ahead and continue to pursue adoptions…..Part of me wants to wait until I get this fantasy husband until I pursue adoption again..So my kids could actually have a dad (something I personally think is very important) and so I can have someone to help me with all the joys and pains of parenthood.
Then there was the issues I had/have with my bonding with my kids and the fact that they are overly bonded to me, makes me feel grossly inadequate as a mother…Should I even be ANYONE’S mother? AND then there are my own demons-depression, anti-socialism, unworthiness etc….and then I think of the dreams and desire for a larger family and ever nagging tug and pull on my heart to care for the orphan- that desire I have had nagging in my heart since I was 7 or 8 y/o girl and I wonder if those dreams are just that- DREAMS.
I have tried for the past few years to suppress the tugging on my heart and to numb myself so I won’t feel it so strongly…but IT WILL NOT GO AWAY and I can’t help but believe that it is God himself tugging on my heart strings…..
I read these blogs this morning, one being http://zembakids.blogspot.com It is the blog of a single mom of 2 little Ugandan girls she adopted and their life – living and caring for kids in Uganda…
As I read the blog posts, I just couldn’t help but think that was how I am supposed to be living my life. I went to Haiti in 2004 and visited Haitian orphanages and schools…I have never felt more like I was walking in purpose than any other time in my life..It was like an Ah Ha! Moment – Like WOW this is what I was born to do…I actually pursued full time missions, but for several reasons I won’t mention, some my fault..some well um let’s just say were not my fault, that has not happen yet.
Also happened upon this blog: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ Very similar story to the one listed above ….She lives in Uganda with her girls….
Then there is Linny’s Blog: A place called simplicity…. It’s kind of funny, I had been reading her blog the vast majority of my morning. I have been to this blog many, many times, but I couldn’t help but find myself crying reading her story about Elijah, Elizabeth and Jubilee today. I cried because it stirred up feelings in my heart that I think I purposely let die because of the difficulty I am facing (mostly coping with my kids’ behavior and financial issues). I let go of the dream to adopt and foster again because to simply put it I let REALITY choke out my faith and kill my dreams. I literally broke down and sobbed…..weeping for the orphan..weeping for the dreams I let die..weeping because God won’t stop the tugging on my heart…..I guess that is some kind of Crazy Love in itself…..I am determined to never let my heart stop crying from now on!
In the middle of writing this blog, I don’t know why, but I went back and read her blog again and when I went back in the middle of writing this blog she had posted her Crazy Love post. I wasn’t going to participate, because honestly I don’t think we have any pressing needs compared to the world..But I just felt like God wanted me to. But not only am I going to post my need (See the beginning of this post) I am going to help somebody else.