Today, I went out to the lunch truck that is outside of my job. They are a husband/wife owned business. They have always been really friendly to me and always treated me like family. When they found out I was foster parent they went out and got me a bunch of stuff for my kids. I LOVE THEM!!!
But anyway, they followed me through the whole saga with Joey and even before then they have always been overly interested in my love life. They want me to be married BADLY for some reason. They say I deserve to have a husband and my kids deserve to have a dad. I'm not going to argue with them on that, especially the part about my kids needing a dad. But I am no where near ready to be in a relationship again. I'd be lying if I was to say I was completely healed in that area. I am definitely much farther along than I was 3 months ago though.
I pray to God everyday for complete and total healing. Not just to be patched. I don't want any residual pain to rob the joy of my present and future. Don't get me wrong I am not sitting around pining desperately for him and I do occasionally have a conversation or two or three (he he he) with other men. It's just hard to change focus when you focused on something/someone intensely for so long….I still pray for him and his well-being. I still wonder how he's doing. I'm still trying to get over the guilt.. I still wish I had better or at least some type of closure. I still miss him. But I am DEFINITELY getting my healing…..one day at a time….
At this point, I'm not even entirely sure now that marriage is for me AT ALL! (despite my JFK Jr. dream…lol) Singleness is great! If it happens God will have to orchestrate it himself. I won't be seeking it (Not that I was before- hence me being single for 11.5 years). If it is to happen, God will have to come and knock me over like a tidal wave and spell it out in bright neon flashing lights that say: HE IS THE ONE! IT IS TIME! Or something to that effect…lol I think that's the way God wants it anyway….As a matter of fact I'm 100% sure of that.
Wow that got way off focus….I had no intention on writing all that stuff …Writing is so therapeutic/cathartic. I feel purged and cleansed now.
But anyway back to my story: I went out there today and Nana is all like: There was a group of guys who work here at your job staring and grinning at you when you left yesterday. I was like Oh, I hadn't even noticed. (I really hadn't noticed). She was like I told them that you were single and they are single too. When they come back I am going to get their names and give it to you, so you can ask around and see what kind of people they are. So now she's on a mission to make one of them my husband…..That Nana!!! she's determined to dance at my wedding…..lol